It’s been almost a year since I paid a visit here. Undoubtedly many things happened and changed. The summer of 2008 was a bit lonely period of my life, but i got through it eventually. Crosswords kept me company most of the time. It wasn’t all that bad though, it was an unforgettable experience that I even miss now and then, having a growing human being inside of me, feeling his every move, knowing that he’s safe and secure right there.

Towards the end of the summer our landlord decided he didn’t want us in his apartment anymore since he does not approve of me having a baby without getting married. I really couldn’t understand how a person could be like that and why he even cared but it didn’t matter at that point. I was a month prior to having to give birth and my mum and I were going around checking for other apartments.

One day as we were on our way to see one apartment i felt the funniest feeling. We were in a bus and had to step out of it at a first stop. I realised that my water had broken. We rushed back home, called my doctor who told us we should go to the hospital, got ready and headed for the hospital. I was so surprised and couldn’t believe it’s all already happening. It was a whole month early, and I was scared if everything would turn out allright for my baby boy.

They put me in a room saying I must wait till I get contractions. I was losing my water and if in 24 hours I didn’t get contractions they would have to give me something to provoke it because my baby couldn’t stay in there without it. So I knew that within 24 hours I will give birth. There were many feelings inside of me then, it’s hard to describe it. I know I was so angry for they had put me in a room right next to delivery room, and I could hear all the women giving birth. That really freaked me out, knowing I was next. It turned out how they said it would, I wasn’t getting any contractions and they had to give me a drip. My family and friends all came to support me. I could see how emotional they all were as well. That meant a lot to me. They all waited in anticipation to hear the news. The whole experience of giving birth went by like a dream to me. They gave me some pain killer that doesn’t really work if you ask me, but it makes you feel kind of numb, as if you were drunk. The pain started to increase gradually, but all I made myself think about is to do everything right. I was soon to see my sunshine and that gave me strength to go on. I followed the doctors instructions closely and it all ended successfully in 6 and a half hours, which is excellent considering the possibilities.

The first moment I had with my love was the one I couldn’t forget in a million years. He was so tiny and was crying, but as they put him on my chest next to my heart he instantly went silent and had such a peaceful look on his face..it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of it now, such an emotional moment. We made an unbreakable bond in that one moment. They had to put him in an incubator to make sure he gets fully prepared for this world. I didn’t really sleep much that night cause of the pain of the stitches and all, so I had time to think and relax from it all. I think that I was already then a different person. When his dad called me and he heard everything went well I could hear him crying little bit, although he was trying to hide it. He was so happy but also couldn’t quite believe it yet. He came to see us in the hospital when he got a free day. We stayed in the hospital for 10 days.

So the new life began, born with only 2,570 kilograms and 47 cm long, he started to experience his life outside of the womb. We named him Nikolas, it was his grandfathers name, but also the name we both liked and agreed on. We are very happy with that choice. As we came home I can’t say everything went smoothly, but he was such a good baby, he made it a bit easier for me. Breastfeeding was going like in a manual, which the doctors have told me themselves. Little by little he grew, and I can’t possibly describe the past 9 months in this post now, but they sure have been full of joy, love, tender and care, and occasional test to the nerves. It really is amazing how much a person can love somebody, and how much that love can grow with every moment passing by. I am still finding more and more of it every day. By this time, my little guy already crawls, stands holding on to something, even walks little bit, eats all kinds of different food, though has no teeth yet, pronounces many different syllables and keeps on learning so fast that he makes me proud every day.

In the meantime we changed two apartments, but I’m happy where we are now. I finished high school with a very good mark, and am signing up for college at the moment. I still haven’t figured out exactly what I’m gonna do next but I’m taking a little time off, devoting my time to him and myself. His father is at the point of transition from one club to another and hopefully this other will be a lot closer to us so he’ll get to visit much more. He is also very proud of him and loves him very much. I will try to keep this up to date a bit more, because there are really a lot of great moments worth sharing.

Btw. I am 28 weeks pregnant from tomorrow! I feel good, but so heavy, and I can’t believe how time flies. My little pumpkin is getting bigger and stronger. He’s got a really strong punch, I think he wants out so bad, he’s so curious Tomorrow I’m going to see my doctor and I can’t wait to see him! I hope everything is alright! 12 more weeks to go…

It’s been over a month since I wrote my last post, that’s too much! I have good and bad news. I’ll start with good. I saw the baby’s father, many times, and I am thrilled by the fact that he’s ok now. He has finally accepted things the way they are. He said he thought about us every single day and he loves us both. He felt his baby boy kicking and I must say I will never forget the look on his face. He was smiling like a child for ten minutes after. He is so nice to me now, we get along better than ever before. I guess we got to know each other a bit more now. I am glad for that. Well, I won’t go into details. The bad news is that he moved to another city today because of his work. It’s pretty far away, and neither of us wanted him to go but he has no choice. We will still see each other, of course, but not nearly as often. I’m afraid he won’t even be here when I give birth, and that means so much to me. I cried surprisingly much when I said goodbye to him, silly me. It’s not like he’s going forever. Hormones are killing me, what can I do! But I could see it was hard for him too, he didn’t want to leave.

Enough about that! My sister went to work on a cruiser two days ago and she’ll work there for 6-8 months, so she’s not gonna be there either. It makes me so sad! I wish many things were different but that’s life, I have to deal with everything the best way I can. Eventually it will all be alright!

This is a good day for me! Twenty minutes ago I talked to the baby’s father (my ex). I couldn’t get to him for two months, and now he actually picked up the phone. I don’t know why, but frankly I don’t care! I’m just glad I talked to him. He is still having trouble with accepting that he’s going to be a father so soon. I already got scared he’s just gonna escape from all this and that my baby will never get to meet his daddy, but I feel better now. We agreed to meet next week. That will be quite a shock for him, he still hasn’t seen how big my belly is now. I can already see his reaction. It’s probably gonna be something like when he found out I’m pregnant: half an hour of grabbing his head! Well, I’m looking forward to that!

It’s summer now, school’s over, I have to rest a lot and therefore I’m doomed for boredom. Most of my friends are going to the seaside, but I can’t do even that. Temperatures are high, so I find comfort in ventilators. I borrowed some books in the library so I can educate myself a little bit more before this guy inside of me comes out and turns my world around even more than it has so far. I just have to prepare myself right and everything will be just fine (I wish!). The main thing I’m preparing myself for is a lot of moments of not being all right! Well, at least I will have this adorable, helpless, little creature that will cheer me up just by looking at me

I really can’t wait to see my son, his eyes, the shape of his nose, everything! But, on the
other hand I wish he could stay inside forever! Why not?! He enjoys it there, it’s warm, safe, comfortable, nobody bugs him and I am fine with it, I got used to it by now, he can stay there as much as he wants! The thought of birth annoys me. I know it’s gonna hurt 500 times more than I expect it to, no matter how much I expect! Why does something so good has to come in such a bad way? I guess that’s what everything with us people is like.